Sibling jealousy and resentment: hear the feeling, change the pattern

Listen without immediately correcting the feeling

Try ‘You wanted more time with me’ or ‘It feels as though your plans keep changing.’ You can acknowledge that experience without agreeing that a sibling is to blame.

Speak privately and allow mixed feelings. Love, embarrassment, anger and protectiveness can exist together. Avoid ‘You should be grateful’ or asking one child to hide their feelings to protect another.

Source context: Sibs: supporting a sibling child's feelings · National Autistic Society: a guide for siblings

Check the arrangements, not only the attitude

Look at actual patterns: whose activities are cancelled, who gets uninterrupted time, whose belongings are protected and who is doing care work. A brief family review may reveal an imbalance that reassurance alone will not fix.

• Protect some individual time with each child and follow through on it.
• Arrange adult backup so one child's appointments do not always displace another child's activity.
• Provide personal space and belongings that do not have to be shared.
• Keep care tasks optional and age-appropriate; adults retain responsibility.
• Explain differing supports without disclosing more private information than needed.

Source context: Sibs: information for parents supporting siblings · American Academy of Pediatrics: healthy sibling relationships

A fictional example: a cancelled outing

A sibling says, ‘Everything is always about him,’ after another cancelled activity. Rather than asking them to be more understanding, the parent acknowledges the loss and makes a concrete replacement plan with another trusted adult.

The parent also reviews whether the family needs more respite or a different schedule. The autistic child's need for support is real, and the sibling's disappointment is real. Neither child should have to solve the staffing problem.

When jealousy comes out as hurtful behavior

Interrupt bullying, threats, damaged belongings or unsafe behavior. Give space and support before discussing what happened. Later, help the child name the need and choose an accessible way to ask for it.

For example, a child who grabs a stepsibling's game may need a predictable turn plan, attention or their own activity. Understanding the need does not make grabbing acceptable. Repair can include returning the item and practicing the request, with appropriate support.

• Teaching accountability and repair →

Source context: American Academy of Pediatrics: healthy sibling relationships

Extra care in a blended family

Avoid comparisons between ‘my child’ and ‘your child.’ Keep time with each child's own parent and let stepsibling relationships develop without pressure. Changed birth order, divided loyalties and grief can matter alongside sensory or communication differences.

Do not force forgiveness or affection. Persistent tension may call for family support; ongoing fear or harm needs a safety response. Sibling groups can offer a place to talk without having to protect the adults' feelings.

• Blended families and autism →
• Sibling Support Project →

Source context: American Academy of Pediatrics: stepsiblings · Sibling Support Project: peer support and Sibshops